It’s been four years since I was steeped in the vitalizing process of my 200 hour yoga teacher training, which I wrote about here, and since then so much has happened and changed. Not only did we live through several of what can only be described as the most bizarre experiences of our time, but I had two more children, both daughters. In fact, I was pregnant with my daughter Beau for the second half of the training and completed it heavily pregnant in the month of June, which I don’t know that I recommend.
Though one could argue that other things that have happened across the globe are far more impactful, to me, nothing has been quite as transformative as the process of matrescence, or the process of becoming a mother.
It is important to note that, after I typed the word matrescence, this platform insists it is not written correctly but it’s only suggested change is to the word latescence, the process of becoming dormant. Do with that information what you will.
I’ve previously written about how important yoga has been and continues to be for the process of living with grief, healing from trauma, connecting to my body, building community, and engaging with something greater than myself. It laid a foundation for a practice that I aim to take off of the mat and into my daily life as a working mom of two, with a partner and dog who requires a great deal of attention (but we love her so).
But the practices I had ample time for before motherhood are distant memories these days. Gone are the 20 minute morning meditation sessions, followed by journaling, a leisurely breakfast, and the pleasurably slow application of makeup (just a light dusting!) before hopping in my Jeep and heading out the door. See you later to the evening workouts, the elaborate meals that could be cooked and cleaned over the course of 90 minutes. Adieu to the weekends that spanned before me, drinks with friends, long yoga classes, and even more elaborate meals, served with wine and my best cutlery. Adios to the Jeep, and hello to the Honda, though I haven’t given in to the minivan just yet.
As with every year, the new year rolls around and the internet reminds me to seize the opportunity to become my best self. To prioritize the wellness practices that are best achieved with lots of money and helping hands behind you, urging you to go, do, forget the rest.
Balance is a hugely popular word, particularly this time of year. We must learn to balance in order to be whole, good, and perfect. Balance is the key to the least stressed, most patient, prettiest, and healthiest version of yourself. While the word is so enticing, full of promise, something about it hasn’t ever sat right with me.
I had the opportunity to meet with a woman to test out the idea of regular mentorship meetings, for which I am deeply grateful, especially because she said something so striking to me that it rings in my head almost daily. I’ve even talked it through with my therapist, more than once.
She told me that she doesn’t quite believe in the word balance, but instead she likes to frame the sentiment as, “it has to work.”
It has to work can look like a lot of things that are traditionally associated with the word balance. Saying no to what doesn’t serve you and saying yes to what does. But balance invokes the idea that you can give equally to all aspects of your life. You can be engaged in whatever of the multiple roles you might inhabit, all at the same time, without dropping the ball anywhere. It invokes the idea that you will feel calm and not stressed in the least. You will feel whole.
I am here to tell you, that is a myth. Certain aspects of myth might hold some truths, as all good stories do, but all this demonstrates is that you might have a couple of days where balance seems to be working, though overall it will not.
It has to work invites you to say yes and no and to try things out and know that something might work for a little bit, but will likely need to be adjusted at some point. It gives you permission to experiment and change your mind. To look at the growing needs of you and your family and say yes to something that later might require a no, and then turn back into a yes.
I’ve realized what yoga has truly done for me is given me the tool to use in those micro moments in between the decisions made to achieve what works. Closing my eyes and taking three deeps breaths. Coming to stillness for a moment of silence before I begin the tap tap tap of responding to emails. It has taught me how to connect to myself and the world around me (seen and unseen). It has given me a framework to practice patience, nurture myself, and show my daughters what a healthy relationship with mindful movement looks like.
These tools are essential to my version of motherhood.
It is with this map that I can navigate not the attempt at balance, but the attempt at making things work.