At the office, I forget yet another small detail.
Later, I am asked a simple question, something I should know the answer to, and I respond with, “I don’t know,” because it didn’t even occur to me to have that information on hand. I feel incapable of planning much ahead. Insecure about my ability to read through the fine print.
Another day of work is missed to be home with a sick baby. Meetings I was supposed to be a key part of are covered by a colleague or two, for which I am deeply grateful.
I can’t help but wonder, is motherhood having a negative impact on my career?
And yet, there is a constant nagging at the back of my mind, do they notice all my slip ups? Does it secretly frustrate? Does my lack of ability to remember some of the tiniest details make me look incompetent? Will they chock it up to a performance issue without seeing the bigger picture?
The truth is, I don’t feel like I have a lot of space in my brain these days. It takes so much work to run a house, even with a sublime partner. There are people and animals to feed, the girls need supplies for daycare, the house needs cleaned, birthday parties need attended, oh and don’t forget your marriage!
I love my job. I enjoy having something for myself that challenges me, introduces me to new ideas and people, and puts me on a path for opportunities down the road.
My supervisor and colleagues are incredibly supportive of me and my motherhood. I couldn’t ask for a better situation in terms of their support.
And yet, there is a constant nagging at the back of my mind, do they notice all my slip ups? Does it secretly frustrate? Does my lack of ability to remember some of the tiniest details make me look incompetent? Will they chock it up to a performance issue without seeing the bigger picture?
If so, where does that leave me?
I recognize that a lot of this is my own insecurity, that the reality is that I will be fine. People enjoy my work and give positive feedback, but I find myself wanting to explain, to shout, “If you only knew how much was going on in here you wouldn’t remember either!” But I don’t.
It’s just that some days I am so tired, so overloaded, and feel so deeply unconfident that I spiral into the what ifs of getting stuck in the same place in my career because I have too much to manage as a whole and my brain is screaming at me for a break. I picture myself at 50, still sitting in the same office doing the same tasks (which is perfectly fine, but not what I want for myself) and I am filled with a sense of dread that leads me to try to “hack” my way to more mental clarity.
I have yet to figure out a solution aside from the passage of time and weathering the seasons as they come, recognizing that as the girls get older, I will have more brain space for myself and my work and I will likely miss the days when I was covered in snot and tears (my own and theirs) while hurriedly trying to get us all out the door in time for my 8:30am meeting.