On Love
or, a note of gratitude to my husband
“and I pray each day can be Love’s day
where love shows up in its many shades
& manifestations
not only as a chocolate delicately place in a heart-shaped box or a flower from the garden wrapped
in red ribbon
(though let us hold on to these tokens & traditions as they remind us that thoughtfulness is the light that shines in the little things)”
B has always been wise beyond his years and I have always had a tendency towards learning and introspection which created the perfect storm of a partnership where we encourage individual growth and development for the sake of our marriage. We know that the people we have become have only made our relationship stronger.
When B and I first started dating, I was absolutely certain that love meant buying flowers and candy and making a big to do on Valentine’s Day. We needed plans and gestures and there was frustration and fighting should the expectations not be met. I cringe a lot when I think about these early years, and I sometimes wonder how we managed to make it through our youth.
Perhaps I should be more forgiving of my younger self, I had so much yet to learn. My views on life and love were shaped by what I was exposed to, the place I grew up, ideals put into my head by movies and television, comparison to others. Our relationship was much more relationship than true partnership, as it is today. We played into traditional roles that we weren’t at all actually comfortable with, not knowing how to move into something different.
Fast forward fourteen years and several catastrophic events later, we have hit a groove. Life’s challenges pushed us into couple’s therapy (which, I might add, every couple should consider even without experiencing strife), where we learned the apt communication skills we needed to get through everything from the day-to-day to the life-altering misery of child loss.
Another huge shift was learning more about ourselves, individually and together. Having essentially grown from children to adults in each other’s orbit, we had the opportunity to either stay in the same patterns of our younger years or help each other grow into the people we are today. B has always been wise beyond his years and I have always had a tendency towards learning and introspection which created the perfect storm of a partnership where we encourage individual growth and development for the sake of our marriage. We know that the people we have become have only made our relationship stronger.
Now Valentine’s Day brings sweet moments, making the girls heart shaped waffles, cards, and treats from our favorite local bakery. No expectations other than a kiss and an “I love you.” We know that our energy is better spent managing our days and enjoying the small moments. We have learned to cherish those moments.
Ultimately, my love language has shifted from feeling like I need to expect grand gestures, to losing my mind with happiness at the phrase, “why don’t I take the girls to school this morning,” after teaching an early morning yoga class so that I don’t have to rush.
Nothing in life is perfect, and it never will be, but we are deeply committed to our marriage and getting it right in lieu of being right (as the beloved Brené Brown says). For that I am grateful, even on the most challenging days where we are sleep deprived and snippy with each other, the toddler hates the dinner I made and we get up from the table what feels like 500 times. I know we have weathered enough storms to form an unbreakable bond.